Word of Advice

If your husband/boyfriend is gone, don't listen to the song "One moment more" by Mindy Smith. Trust me.

Anyway, I slept til noon today and I haven't done that in a loooooooong time. It was nice.

"It don't have a job



Don't pay your bills


Won't buy you a home


In Beverly Hills


Won't fix your life


In five easy steps


Ain't the law of the land


Or the government


But it's all you need..


Love, will, hold us together


Make us a shelter


to weather the storm


And I'll, be, my brothers keeper


So the whole world will know


That we're not alone"

When they can't be there...

Yesterday I had an awful day at the hospital. It was emotional, frustrating, tiring, and I could go on and on. I commend anyone who can work geriatric psych, because I could barely handle 12 hours.

When I finally got home, I started missing him :( I've done pretty good so far, and haven't really allowed myself to dwell on it. But I guess I'm just used to him cheering me up.

But on a brighter note, I'm having lunch with my mom today and at 5 I'm going to my friend Angie's house to cook and eat with her and watch a movie. Karmen's excited to see "baby Wevi (levi)"

Tomorrow is my last day at the hospital as a summer employee, and then I'll have 2 whole weeks off. Its going to be weird being at home so much.

Don't move to oklahoma...

This is what happens to you and your childwhen you go in your own backyard for literally 5 minutes to spray weeds.  This is only the front of my legs and the front of karmen's arms. The backs of my legs are covered, and she has some on her legs too and one on her face. Poor baby. Needless to say, we are both covered in anti-itch spray LOL.

What your worrying says to God

I love this and I had to share.

Excerpt from "AWESOME"



by T.D. Jakes


You've been on my mind and heart. I see you struggling and planning, worrying and sweating, crying and running, at a furious pace. You're trying to move that mountain by yourself again, huh?


God asks that we cast all our cares on Him because He cares. Think about what your worrying says to God when you refuse to give things over to Him.


When you worry about money, you're telling Him that He is unable to provide for His children ... that although He has riches beyond belief in Heaven, He is too stingy to share them with you.


When you worry that no one understands you, you're telling Him that although He has been with you since before you were formed in the womb, and has carved you into the palm of His hand, He doesn't know you.


When you worry that you will not have enough food, you're telling Him that although He rained down bread from Heaven in the desert to feed His children, you are the one He's forgotten.


When you worry that your enemies will have victory over you, you're telling God that although He has given you spiritual battlegear to defend yourself, that despite His track record of being a giant slayer, Red Sea divider, lion mouth closer and a furnace cooler, He can't handle your co-worker, your neighbor or a former friend.


When you worry that your children have decided to follow the world instead of your example, you're telling God that He doesn't keep His promises....That despite the fact that you have raised them up in the way they should go, they'll stray because basically, He lied.


When you worry because the doctors told you that children are impossible, that a cure is impossible, that healing is impossible, you're telling Him that this world controls your fate. You're saying that prayer time with Him is nearly something to pass the time. You're saying that although He can raise the dead, make a virgin conceive, open the womb of a woman well past eighty, heal a 12 year issue of blood, make the blind see and the lame walk, He can't help you.


When you worry that you won't be able to do enough to earn forgiveness, you're telling Him "that's ok Lord, no need for Your Son to die, I can earn my own forgiveness." Let's just act like Jesus never died, and tell Him never mind, that He doesn't need to go to the cross.


When you worry that no one will love you, that you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, you're telling Him that His love is insufficient ... that He couldn't possibly love you enough to ward away loneliness. You're saying that although He has promised life more abundantly, He was lying .... that despite the fact that He started off saying that it is not good that we be alone, He's changed His mind.


When you worry and refuse to give the problem over to Him, you're telling Him that although He could create the world, He can't handle what's going on in your world, so you will. You are saying that He won't work things out, that obstacles cannot be overcome, that mountains can't be climbed, that healing cannot occur, that what is lost will not be found, that joy does not come in the morning, that He is not the God of a second chance, that the promised land has been swallowed up by the desert, that you have discovered the height, depth and width of His love and found it to fall short of your needs.


Think about all that you're saying to the one who loves you the most and who has all power, really think about it. Then open your hands and release what you've been holding onto. Bow down on your knees and ask Him to forgive you for doubting Him. Walk away with a peaceful heart and note the footsteps that go before you to make the crooked places straight, a way in the wilderness, and later springing forth in the desert.


"Stand in a stream with waters around your ankles. The waters that pass by you at that moment, you will never see again. So it is with the misery that has challenged your life ... let it go, let it pass away."

This is for every woman I know who is pregnant or plans to ever be.

I guess I have a little rant from yesterday. I love L&D, and still do after yesterday, but I would rather take care of a woman who knows nothing about labor than someone who thinks they know everything. If they do know alot, great for them, its fine to be proactive about your own care. But if you don't know, and you act like you do and try to correct me every 5 seconds, thats when the trouble begins.

I had two moms yesterday that were "fun." One came into triage for an NST and I was the lucky duck who got to triage her. She tried to tell me how to hook her up to the monitor like I didn't know. Then she said, "You have two of those TOCO's." I said, "No I don't." And she kept arguing with me (she got confused apparently because the TOCO which measures her contraction strength is usually blue, while the transducer that picks up the baby's heartbeat is usually grey, but we have blue ones too.) I finally showed her the difference, and she just said, "Oh."

She didn't stop there, no, that didn't slow her down. She looked at the monitor strip and said, "I'm having a contraction!!" I was like, "Uh no thats not a contraction thats from me putting the strap on you and you moving around." She said, "No see its right there."  I wanted to explain to her that contractions don't look like perfect squares (unless you're holding your breath and faking them). But I didn't :)
 
Then she was watching everything I clicked/typed/etc into the computer. She tried to tell me I was spelling one of her meds wrong, so I had to get it out of her bag of meds she brought with her to show her I wasn't spelling it wrong.

She got a little bit better after that, but then I get another mom who doesn't trust any of us one bit. She would ask and ask for juice even though she knew she couldnt have any while she was in labor. So she asked one of the other nurses and when she said no, the girl goes, "I knew that, I was just seeing if you would do it." They don't realize that making every one of the nurses mad isn't exactly to their advantage. After her baby was born, I gave him a bath, did hearing screen, etc. and took him back in her room. I said, "Do you want me to hand him to you?" And she looked me straight in the eye and said, "No I want my mom to hand him to me." I was just thinking okie dokie then whatever.

Then the cops come because she had a restraining order against the FOB and he came up there anyway. Nice.

SO.... the lesson of the day is: pay attention to your care, but don't belittle your nurse or act like you know better (if you don't)!!  It makes their day alot harder because then they dread walking in your room!

Good news I guess..

Well weekend one is over.


Granted, I got to see him friday and saturday night, but oh well it still counts.

pre-D pictures

We've never had any pictures made together, so we wanted to get these taken before he left. I thought they turned out great.

 Here are a few.

Our pre-D vacation to South padre

Here are a few pictures that I didn't put on my facebook.

my husband and his mom

me and his mom on the eco-tour/dolphin watch

my brother in law and his wife and son

Karmen trying to hug Alli (my stepdaughter)

A few things I'm already tired of hearing from strangers..

"But a year is a long time!" (these are the ones who are really quick on their feet)

"Can you go see him while he's there?" (sure why not)

"Do you know what I heard goes on over there? They cheat just as much as women at home do." (People really know how to lift your spirits these days)

"Well just because its not a "dangerous" mission, doesn't mean he can't die." (wow. a personal favorite of mine that I've heard more than once. No matter how many people say it, I'm still caught off-guard.)

Or they just give me their opinion on the war and the men (and women) being there, like I care the least bit.

And finally, I'm tired of being asked the same question every single week by the same people! They either have horrible memories, didn't listen the first time, or don't actually care and just want to make conversation.

I'm sure I will be updating this list soon.

Updates

I'm in the process of updating my blog, so bear with me! The font will change, pictures will change, etc.

Weird

One thing I have learned through all of this is to NOT expect to feel any certain way. Today is the day that I should be upset/sad/nervous, but nope, today I feel just fine. Today I feel like nothing weird is happening.

As I mentioned in my pre-D post, I can't ever predict it. Everyday is a new day, and I just consider whatever mood I'm in "normal."

I just hope tomorrow is like today.

The grief process

People say that it gets easier with time, but I don't believe it. I think it gets harder. No matter how hard you cry, or how often, you just feel more helpless. Because no matter what you do, think or say, nothing changes. They don't come back. You can't tell them the things you need to. You can't apologize if you need to (and I do big time). You can't change the course of anything, and I swear I get more angry about that everyday.

I miss my grandpa today. I miss him bad, and I can't believe he passed over a year ago. He was the best "dad" I could've ever had, and I wish he was here so I could tell him that. I wish I could go back to the last 2-3 years before he died, and change everything. I wish I had swallowed my pride (more like shame), and told him everything was fine and that I loved him.  That it was my fault, and not his.

But I didn't...and here I am.

Lesson of the day: if you love someone, tell them. Tell them often. If they helped make you who you are today, tell them that too. Because if you don't, you may never get today back.

The end of pre-D

I feel like I'm a mental patient on the inside, even if I don't show it. One minute I'm mad at the situation, the next I want to curl up under the covers and never get out of bed. If I had the time for that I might seriously consider it.




Other days I'm fine, and I feel like I can smoke this deployment (those moments are always short-lived trust me). I want to soak in every last second, but then again its bittersweet and makes me think of everything we'll miss. Here's a running tally, if you care to know:



my graduation from RN school

my birthday (again)

his birthday (again)

valentines day (again)

karmen's 3rd birthday

christmas

thanksgiving

our wedding anniversary (again...notice a pattern here?)

my nursing pinning ceremony

lamplighting (again)

me taking my NCLEX (nursing boards)---which by the way, he should be happy about, because I'll be a basket case the night before.

starting my first job as a "real" nurse and not a nurse tech



I know I should be thinking positive thoughts, and all that jazz, but thats really over-rated if you ask me. It's the last thing I want to think about. The only positives to this whole thing (if you can even call them that) are the extra income, and the fact that maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know this will be a good experience for him, and I do realize that they are going on more of a humanitarian mission and the afghan people will benefit from it. But I'm being pretty selfish at the moment.



I am excited though to make my first care package, write my first letter, and give him the 2 "projects" i made for him to take with him to make the time go by faster. I will be fine, and all will be well. That country song called "Tonight I wanna cry" (I think thats the name) keeps popping into my head, because thats exactly the way I feel. Tomorrow will be a new day, and we WILL get through this.

Waiting

Apparently the life of a military wife is all about waiting. For example:




Waiting on pay.

Waiting on phone calls.

Waiting for him to come home.

Waiting for him to leave.

Waiting for all this waiting to be over.

Waiting on a letter.

Waiting for the day when I will no longer be a single parent.

Waiting for this nightmare to be over.



I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. I wish I was in a more positive mood, but here lately, I find myself in this debbie downer mood alot.

Quote of the Day

How much of human life is lost in waiting.






--Emerson

My life according to Rob Thomas

Let it go,


Let it roll right off your shoulder

Don't you know

The hardest part is over

Let it in,

Let your clarity define you

In the end

We will only just remember how it feels



Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain



Let it slide,

Let your troubles fall behind you

Let it shine

Until you feel it all around you

And i don't mind

If it's me you need to turn to

We'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end



Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away,

But these small hours,

These small hours still remain



All of my regret

Will wash away some how

But i can not forget

The way i feel right now



In these small hours

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours, still remain,

Still remain

These little wonders

These twists & turns of fate

Time falls away

But these small hours

These little wonders still remain